when you find yourself praying for that which you don’t want

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It’s strange, really. Because this is where I’m finding myself lately. Praying endlessly and earnestly for the way to be made clear to leave a place I love for a place that, on most days, I’m not sure I want to go.

More true, probably, would be that the going isn’t so hard as is the leaving

But it could only be the Spirit of God that puts in us a desire for that which we had no desire at all. Because if He wants me to do something, doing anything else besides seems straight up dangerous. And so I’m praying for doors to open, provision to be made, wisdom to be granted, and faith to be abundant.

I’m even praying for rapidity, because the call feels urgent. 

I was attempting to explain it to a friend over the weekend as we sat on my bed catching up after weeks of very little communication. I said something that may or may not have sounded a little creepy. Basically, I told her it was like something from a sci-fi movie where some force beams light down on you and takes control of your brain so that you want what you don’t want and, as a result, you do what you had no intention of doing. 

Only I know we aren’t talking about unidentified flying objects or extraterrestrial powers. We’re talking about the supernatural working of a God who knows us better than we know ourselves and who gives us the desires of our hearts.

Which means, He’s imputed His grace to me in such lavish fashion that my deepest, most secret-y desires no longer even resemble those once there. 

I had mentioned before that our greatest literal obstacle to leaving for Asia is finance. Funding. And our efforts have felt pretty bleak and futile. Because Robbie’s seasonal job has come to an end until Spring, at the same time as the Lord impressed on both of us that I needed to step away from my job.

It made no sense, really. We need money now, maybe more than ever. We have debt to eliminate and money we need to save for our arrival in that foreign land. I had part-time work at a great, Christian place 5 minutes from home, with wonderful people, and I could take my children and maintain our homeschool efforts. 

And yet, it was very clear there were cracks in my mothering. That those office hours were stretching me too thin and holes were showing. I was seeing areas that I was letting slide in an effort to just survive.

But God was calling us to thrive.

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will hear hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

He began showing me the preparation work our family needed to do in order to be used as He plans us to. And I began to pray for the “healing of my land.”

He showed me how we needed to truly introduce our children, big and small, to Him. How the experience needed to grow beyond the surface one we’d been fostering to where we were helping connect each to the Source with a true and lasting relationship. We need to take them deeper, through both precept and example, and ensure that they understand the importance of things like confession, repentance, humility, and an openness to the leading of the Spirit.

And to pray and study. True and honest prayer and study.

Sanctify them through thy truth, thy word is truth. John 17:17

The beautiful thing, you guys? The most beautiful thing is that by refocusing and being obedient to do that which doesn’t make sense, and could even be viewed as financially irresponsible, God is providing.

We sat down with our mound of debt last night and found it wasn’t so cumbersome as we thought. We’d committed to putting every dollar earned from a side job, or given to us by way of gift, toward paying off all our medical bills. And that faithfulness was reaping more than we knew. 

God has been busy multiplying the increase.

This morning I sit with new courage. I’m face-to-face with my Creator who knows our need and has a plan for it. He knows our lack and is filling it. He knows our hearts and is changing them.

And He knows our family and is saving it. 

Have you been introduced to our brand new Study Hall? It’s open and waiting for you! The maiden class is called Spiritual Applications for Parenting: Learning to Pray Scripture. It’s an 8 day course that was designed to enhance your personal journey and, by default, your entire parenting experience. 

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1 thought on “when you find yourself praying for that which you don’t want”

  1. Beautifully written. Prayers for you and your family as you trust the Lord in His way. His will is always best and is never fruitless!

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